Grief is an experience that at some stage or another in our life, we will undoubtedly encounter at varying degrees.  The reaction to grief is not set in stone as to how someone should grieve.  Factors such as personality, gender, previous losses and experience, shock or other complicating factors will impact on the process so don’t expect your grief from loss to be the same as the next. It often becomes a pressure that one person’s grieving is not the same as the others, and fear sets in that am I doing it all wrong?  Why are my emotions not like the others?

Men and Women do grief differently ….

Men

• Hide many of their emotions
• Talking about their loss is minimal
• Having Anger is okay but crying is not
• Sex is a validation of power, self worth and an expression of caring
• They mourn however get on with their everyday life
• Begin feeling agitated if their partner “can’t pull them self together

Women

• Are better at expressing their emotions
• Anger is not okay but crying is
• Like to talk about the loss
• Sex is seen as inappropriate and from the emotional roller coaster the feeling drained
• Mourning until they feel ready to get on with life
• Feeling as though their partner has moved on too early and questioning why?

Grief reactions are also different depending on cultural environment and upbringing such as whether the grief is to be Strong or Weak, Brief or Prolonged, Immediate or Delayed.

Understanding the grief stages (Elizabeth Kubler Ross,1969).

Stage 1: Shock and denial = avoidance, fear, confusion, numbness and blame.

Stage 2: Anger = frustration, anxiety, shame, imitation.

Stage 3: Depression & Detachment = overwhelmed, lack of energy, helplessness. 

Stage 4: Dialogue and Bargaining = reaching out to others, struggling to find meaning to what has happened, desire to tell ones story.

Stage 5: Acceptance = having a new plan in place, exploring options.

The stages do not necessarily flow in this direct order and individuals may stay longer in some stages than others.

 

How can you support someone that is experiencing grief & loss?

1. Listen and let the person talk to you about how they are feeling.  Reflect what they have just told you, this re assuring them that you have heard what they said.
2. Be patient and do not force communication.  Crying is part of the process, just let them be.  Just sitting next to them is sufficient.
3. Try to identify and label the feelings that are there together.
4. Explore and offer any resources available such as activities, organisations and help identify their location.
5. Offer or help put in place some practical support to assist with day to day living, with the approval of the grieving person.
6. Do not ever abuse trust and confidentiality
7. Encourage sharing with others who have also had similar experiences. Being able to talk about how they managed to move forward.
8. Most importantly never assume understanding as everyone’s experience is different.